Archive for writing

Reflection

Posted in Projects, writing with tags , , , on June 3, 2014 by generatedanomaly

It’s strange to think that it’s been half a year since I posted anything, but then, at the same time, it makes perfect sense. I’m that person that doesn’t like to attract attention to myself. I don’t want people looking in my direction, even when I’d much prefer to have some sort of accolade or the promise of something better.  Because, really, that’s what I want. Something better.

And, to an extent things have improved. We have a new store manager at work. He’s turned the store around and made my job better, even if there are aspects I do hate. He gives me a certain level of freedom to do what I want, to make choices, to see how far I can run with certain things. Eventually, he’ll give me what I want and let me rip the whole department apart and put it back together in a more thorough way than I tend to manage. That would make me happy, until I think about the fact that I’m content and happy in an awkward middle management job where I’ll likely never get ahead because I didn’t take my chance when I had it. Either of them. Out of fear maybe, or perhaps it’s because I have more time for my true love where I am. I get more writing done now than I would if I took a salaried position.

I’ve made progress on the writing front. I self published the first two novels in my series on both Amazon and Barnes and Noble. (The links for Awakening are: http://amzn.to/1jaoCwc and http://bit.ly/1n4tjxi. The links for Lost in the Woods are: http://bit.ly/1n4tjxi and http://bit.ly/1n4utso) I published a short story collection that I had kicking around forever. I’ve written so many things in between, now I just need to polish them, send them out, and see where that gets me. Hopefully published and paid. I’d like that, but constructive criticism would also be a thing. It will help me make progress in a generally forward direction.

There’s another idea I have floating around my mind. It’s a thing, a small thing, well, probably more like a large thing. I’m thinking about a bakery/tea shop. I’ve got a name, a theme inside my mind. I’m in a waiting pattern, not willing to act on it until it’s been floating around my head for six months and still seems like a good idea. Then I’ll buckle down, do the research and see if it’s even plausible. At the very least, it will give me something to play with later on, and if it does play out, that will be amazing and fantastic. I’d love to have something that was mine, just mine, not dictated to  by anyone. I need to take a risk somewhere and this seems like one that might pay off.

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Reflections of the cusp of thirty

Posted in writing with tags , , , on October 29, 2013 by generatedanomaly

Halloween is just around the corner. After that, November begins and my birthday looms ahead like some awkward thing waiting to shank me and leave me in a pool of blood while it walks away laughing. I’m going to be thirty this year. I keep telling myself it’s not a big deal, that I’m going to step over the threshold into the beginning of being middle aged with a bit of dignity. Then, then I think about what I’ve accomplished and managed to get done in the last ten years and I sort of weep.

Which, really isn’t fair to myself. I’ve done a lot. I’ve met people and lived and become a better writer because of it. That’s, I think, the more important thing to take away from the mess. The real problem is I anticipated doing something more exciting than working retail on the edge of thirty. But, then I suppose, we all have to work our way through some awkward phase to get where we want to be and there’s no sense in feeling sorry for oneself. Well, no more than necessary anyway. It’s not like I don’t have enough self-loathing to convincingly pull off being Dean Winchester for Halloween. The short hair cut does help, more than a little, but the guilt and self-loathing are hard to fake.

So, tonight, I’m going to sit here in my new shirt, watch horror movies with friends and try really hard not to think about the gray hairs creeping along the edges of my temples and the fact that I can’t drink as much coffee as I used to, but that my alcohol tolerance is still ridiculous. I’m going to count my blessings on that and carry on. Because, really, thirty isn’t even close to the end of the world, or my lifetime and there’s plenty of time for finding my partner and have adventures. Especially now that I’ve gotten my life path all figured out and sorted. Well, mostly figured out. And not really sorted. But I have a thing. Which is like a plan, but with more grandeur.

Ambition.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 5, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I filled in my writing calendar for this month. It’s ambitious, possibly more so than most I’ve done. I’m working on a rewrite for a novel, and zero drafts for two different novels. I’ve got more material for the comic I’m playing around with. I have deadlines set. I have a piece that’s almost ready to go out into the world, as soon as it has a cover and a blurb.

It’s a lot, but I can do it. I’m smart. Not that being smart has anything to do with it. Not really, so let’s go with clever. I’m clever. I’m clever enough to get everything done, and to keep this whole ball of wax moving despite any distractions or issues. I’m clever enough to come up with a plan.

Now, I just need to not give into my fears and everything will be fine. That’s easier said that done, and I know that. It’s why I’m trying to keep myself busy, keep myself focused and then I’ll be on the right track.

Plus, I’ve got a thing. It’s sort of like a plan, but with more grandeur.

Internal Reflection

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’m scared of lots of things. Absolutely terrified. Having two shadows. Angel statues. Being alone for too long and the creeping sort of ego that seeps from the fibers of my very existence and makes me believe that I am in fact a god. All of those, but I think the thing that scares me the most is that I might fall flat on my face if I try to pursue a career doing the singular thing that I love more than anything else.

I have so many stories, some written, some in the process, some just notes stuck to my wall on bright colored paper or marked as a title on my dry erase board. So many things to kick out there, to share, and I’m scared to do it. I suppose the first step to getting over the fear is admitting to it. That bit’s done then. The next is putting things out there. Finding markets, finding interest, groping in the dark until I find my place among the storytellers of my generation. After that, it all becomes cake.

I can overcome my fear. I need to because I am so very tired of working a job I hate, of having to find time to write, or coming up with ideas at “inopportune” times. I’m tired of having a boss with not concept of grammar or proper usage. It makes me cringe every time I read something with horrible sentence structure. All I can think is “Anyone with a rudimentary grasp in the English language can’t possibly take you seriously.” And that sort of makes me feel like an ass.

Then the ego takes over.

It goes to dark places. And, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy them because I do. I don’t mind the fact that the only thing stopping me from doing some of the things that pop into my head is the list of rules I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

I am happy and peppy and wonderfully psychotic because it keeps the darkness at bay. I’m eccentric and loud and excitable for the same reasons The Doctor is. Because all that is better than the alternative, for me and for everyone around me.

But, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to do the things I want to do, to get what I want from life instead of being stuck in this oddly painful rut all because of some horrible sense of duty. It is what it is. I am who I am, and I can only be pushed so far before I reach the breaking point.

And when that happens, it’s a good thing I have so many rules.

Starting the job search before I go insane. (Or more insane…)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 27, 2013 by generatedanomaly

The knitting is going well. I think I’ve got it down, but I might want another fifty or sixty rows to make sure.

Today has a different sort of challenge going on. I’m working in job applications. I hate looking for a job, but I’ve reached a point where I dread going to work and there is a huge sigh of relief when I leave for the day. My shoulders get tight. More often than not, I have a headache from the stress. So, it’s past time for a new job.

The problem is finding one that’s close to home that I’m not considered beyond qualified for. Stupid Master’s degree anyway… Not that I regret that I have it, just that it makes it harder for me to find a job. Though, I would think that the fact it’s in education might make it easier for me to find one. Everyone knows that the education field is inundated.

I think really, I’m just tired of cleaning up other people’s messes. Not that it won’t happen other places, but if I’m starting at the bottom, it’s less likely to be a thing right off. And maybe, just maybe, I can find a job that I don’t mind or even like and that will reduce my stress and let me get more writing done. Which is really the entire goal of my existence.

The fog has lifted.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on July 21, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I started writing again, well, not so much writing as working on revisions. It’s a place to start, a step in the right direction and, truth be told, I feel better about life when I’m getting words down on the page. Or, at the very least when I’m manipulating the ones I’ve already put there.

So, that’s it really. That’s the thing that I need to work my way through. I know what makes me happy and I need to struggle through and perfect my process if I’m going to pursue what I want from life. I can do it. I know I can do it.

Maybe then I’ve managed to get past my crisis. I feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, as if I’ve made the important decision looming over me and found out there wasn’t really a decision to make, just banishing the doubts lingering at the back of my mind.

So, now, I put my head down and get through the words. I’ll make them better and get to do all those things that I’ve been wanting to do. Go to the conventions and do signings and readings and the fun sort of work related writer things that go with being published. It’ll be fantastic and all I need to do is put in a ridiculous amount of work now.

There are no easy answers in life.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 19, 2012 by generatedanomaly

So, funny thing happened. Last night, we’re sitting on the couch after I get home from work and my boyfriend points out a friend on his Facebook feed that’s making money off this site called Fanbox. It was with the edge of “you should do this.” Me, being me, I checked it out. It’s… I’m not sure what the point is. Certainly I’d like to make money. I’m a writer, but it looks to me like it just recycles information already out there and then pays you for traffic to those posts. Also, they own the copyright on anything you post forever and always. 

All right, it really wasn’t that funny. I  tend to use that phrase a lot when things aren’t really all that funny, but I just want a nice introduction to something. I use it at work when customers have been particularly creative with where they’ve left things or something bad happens. Maybe a way to try and soften the blow? Not sure. 

Right, so anyway, in my experience, quick money is neither quick nor one of those things that I should be messing with. I know I need to start making some money off my writing soon, but I really want to do this whole thing my way. I don’t want to skip steps. I don’t want to sell my creative process short. Most of all, I’m not giving up my copyright on anything I produce. Maybe that’s just me being selfish and not wanting to try out this thing because it’s new and foreign, but to me being able to use my own work later on for a collection or whatever is important. They’re my words after all. They’re coming from my head, and as disjointed and random as it seems to other people, I need every piece to make it work properly.

The other thing I’ve realize in the past week is that Skyrim eats your life if you let it. So, I’m making lists of things to get done before I play. I was doing it before when I had something else I’d rather be doing than the research portions of this writing gig. This time I’m looking for more places to try and sell a story I rewrote to. So, I have my post-it notes at the ready and I’m going to be productive. I’m not going to make excuses and wander off to explore a fictional place not of my own creating.