Archive for fear

Ambition.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 5, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I filled in my writing calendar for this month. It’s ambitious, possibly more so than most I’ve done. I’m working on a rewrite for a novel, and zero drafts for two different novels. I’ve got more material for the comic I’m playing around with. I have deadlines set. I have a piece that’s almost ready to go out into the world, as soon as it has a cover and a blurb.

It’s a lot, but I can do it. I’m smart. Not that being smart has anything to do with it. Not really, so let’s go with clever. I’m clever. I’m clever enough to get everything done, and to keep this whole ball of wax moving despite any distractions or issues. I’m clever enough to come up with a plan.

Now, I just need to not give into my fears and everything will be fine. That’s easier said that done, and I know that. It’s why I’m trying to keep myself busy, keep myself focused and then I’ll be on the right track.

Plus, I’ve got a thing. It’s sort of like a plan, but with more grandeur.

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Internal Reflection

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’m scared of lots of things. Absolutely terrified. Having two shadows. Angel statues. Being alone for too long and the creeping sort of ego that seeps from the fibers of my very existence and makes me believe that I am in fact a god. All of those, but I think the thing that scares me the most is that I might fall flat on my face if I try to pursue a career doing the singular thing that I love more than anything else.

I have so many stories, some written, some in the process, some just notes stuck to my wall on bright colored paper or marked as a title on my dry erase board. So many things to kick out there, to share, and I’m scared to do it. I suppose the first step to getting over the fear is admitting to it. That bit’s done then. The next is putting things out there. Finding markets, finding interest, groping in the dark until I find my place among the storytellers of my generation. After that, it all becomes cake.

I can overcome my fear. I need to because I am so very tired of working a job I hate, of having to find time to write, or coming up with ideas at “inopportune” times. I’m tired of having a boss with not concept of grammar or proper usage. It makes me cringe every time I read something with horrible sentence structure. All I can think is “Anyone with a rudimentary grasp in the English language can’t possibly take you seriously.” And that sort of makes me feel like an ass.

Then the ego takes over.

It goes to dark places. And, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy them because I do. I don’t mind the fact that the only thing stopping me from doing some of the things that pop into my head is the list of rules I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

I am happy and peppy and wonderfully psychotic because it keeps the darkness at bay. I’m eccentric and loud and excitable for the same reasons The Doctor is. Because all that is better than the alternative, for me and for everyone around me.

But, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to do the things I want to do, to get what I want from life instead of being stuck in this oddly painful rut all because of some horrible sense of duty. It is what it is. I am who I am, and I can only be pushed so far before I reach the breaking point.

And when that happens, it’s a good thing I have so many rules.

Fate?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 3, 2013 by generatedanomaly

One of my friends posed the question on Facebook: Do you believe in fate?

It’s an interesting question, one that makes you stop and think. Or at least, it makes me stop to think. It’s a loaded question. If the answer is yes, then it takes the control for what happens in your life out of your hands. If the answer is no, then everything just seems like chaos.

My answer is yes, but not because I want something to decide my life for me. There are fixed points in time. Things that happen because everything leads to them. There’s no way around it.

Plus, there’s always something we’re supposed to be doing with our lives. Sometimes we run from it. Sometimes we embrace it. We’re happiest when we embrace it, when we use all the talents that the universe gave to us.

This is the question I needed to be asked, because it broke through the hopeless funk surrounding me. My fate is something far greater than working a retail job that I have no real interest in. It’s linked to the insane dreams I have, and the horrible sense of righteousness that envelopes me when I’m not entirely paying attention. I need to stop being afraid of what might happen, of rejection, and just put myself out there.

Seems like a fantastic idea, now I just need to do it.