Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Things to do.

Posted in Uncategorized on December 19, 2014 by generatedanomaly

I really need to do a better job of holding myself accountable for finishing my projects. The bits and pieces are scattered across the whole of my living room waiting for me to finish them. And, to that end, I really need to quit forgetting I have a blog, even if it’s used for nothing more than posting a random paragraph or two on progress.

My current list:
1. Finish current novel (two scenes left to write.)
2. Finish commissioned scarf.
3. Finish my own scarf.
4. Bake scones.
5. Bake cake.
6. Clean living room/kitchen (since they’re really the same room.)
7. Finish reading books on hoodoo.
8. Accumulate things for spells and protections.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something. I’ll just have to add it later.

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Ambition.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 5, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I filled in my writing calendar for this month. It’s ambitious, possibly more so than most I’ve done. I’m working on a rewrite for a novel, and zero drafts for two different novels. I’ve got more material for the comic I’m playing around with. I have deadlines set. I have a piece that’s almost ready to go out into the world, as soon as it has a cover and a blurb.

It’s a lot, but I can do it. I’m smart. Not that being smart has anything to do with it. Not really, so let’s go with clever. I’m clever. I’m clever enough to get everything done, and to keep this whole ball of wax moving despite any distractions or issues. I’m clever enough to come up with a plan.

Now, I just need to not give into my fears and everything will be fine. That’s easier said that done, and I know that. It’s why I’m trying to keep myself busy, keep myself focused and then I’ll be on the right track.

Plus, I’ve got a thing. It’s sort of like a plan, but with more grandeur.

Internal Reflection

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’m scared of lots of things. Absolutely terrified. Having two shadows. Angel statues. Being alone for too long and the creeping sort of ego that seeps from the fibers of my very existence and makes me believe that I am in fact a god. All of those, but I think the thing that scares me the most is that I might fall flat on my face if I try to pursue a career doing the singular thing that I love more than anything else.

I have so many stories, some written, some in the process, some just notes stuck to my wall on bright colored paper or marked as a title on my dry erase board. So many things to kick out there, to share, and I’m scared to do it. I suppose the first step to getting over the fear is admitting to it. That bit’s done then. The next is putting things out there. Finding markets, finding interest, groping in the dark until I find my place among the storytellers of my generation. After that, it all becomes cake.

I can overcome my fear. I need to because I am so very tired of working a job I hate, of having to find time to write, or coming up with ideas at “inopportune” times. I’m tired of having a boss with not concept of grammar or proper usage. It makes me cringe every time I read something with horrible sentence structure. All I can think is “Anyone with a rudimentary grasp in the English language can’t possibly take you seriously.” And that sort of makes me feel like an ass.

Then the ego takes over.

It goes to dark places. And, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy them because I do. I don’t mind the fact that the only thing stopping me from doing some of the things that pop into my head is the list of rules I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

I am happy and peppy and wonderfully psychotic because it keeps the darkness at bay. I’m eccentric and loud and excitable for the same reasons The Doctor is. Because all that is better than the alternative, for me and for everyone around me.

But, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to do the things I want to do, to get what I want from life instead of being stuck in this oddly painful rut all because of some horrible sense of duty. It is what it is. I am who I am, and I can only be pushed so far before I reach the breaking point.

And when that happens, it’s a good thing I have so many rules.

Starting the job search before I go insane. (Or more insane…)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 27, 2013 by generatedanomaly

The knitting is going well. I think I’ve got it down, but I might want another fifty or sixty rows to make sure.

Today has a different sort of challenge going on. I’m working in job applications. I hate looking for a job, but I’ve reached a point where I dread going to work and there is a huge sigh of relief when I leave for the day. My shoulders get tight. More often than not, I have a headache from the stress. So, it’s past time for a new job.

The problem is finding one that’s close to home that I’m not considered beyond qualified for. Stupid Master’s degree anyway… Not that I regret that I have it, just that it makes it harder for me to find a job. Though, I would think that the fact it’s in education might make it easier for me to find one. Everyone knows that the education field is inundated.

I think really, I’m just tired of cleaning up other people’s messes. Not that it won’t happen other places, but if I’m starting at the bottom, it’s less likely to be a thing right off. And maybe, just maybe, I can find a job that I don’t mind or even like and that will reduce my stress and let me get more writing done. Which is really the entire goal of my existence.

I have a new hobby.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 23, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’ve realized I can’t be writing all the time. I try, but sometimes the brain just sort of gets awkward and doesn’t want to cooperate. It happens. And I don’t always want to play video games… They’re awesome, but yeah. So, to the end of entertaining myself, I’ve decided to take up knitting.

I thought about it before. Partly because it seems like a thing, and the rest because I want to knit myself a replica of the fourth Doctor’s scarf. I had a dream that I wore it to work the other day and it sort of spurred me on.

Today, I bought my knitting needles and some deep purple yarn to practice with. I’ve already made decent progress in just a couple of hours. I’m feeling pretty good about that and what the future will hold.

I’ve also been thinking about making jewelry. That has a bit more of a start up cost, but I’ll get where I want to be eventually with the crafting and the writing and all the little bits of life that are strung out there for the world to see.

The fog has lifted.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on July 21, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I started writing again, well, not so much writing as working on revisions. It’s a place to start, a step in the right direction and, truth be told, I feel better about life when I’m getting words down on the page. Or, at the very least when I’m manipulating the ones I’ve already put there.

So, that’s it really. That’s the thing that I need to work my way through. I know what makes me happy and I need to struggle through and perfect my process if I’m going to pursue what I want from life. I can do it. I know I can do it.

Maybe then I’ve managed to get past my crisis. I feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, as if I’ve made the important decision looming over me and found out there wasn’t really a decision to make, just banishing the doubts lingering at the back of my mind.

So, now, I put my head down and get through the words. I’ll make them better and get to do all those things that I’ve been wanting to do. Go to the conventions and do signings and readings and the fun sort of work related writer things that go with being published. It’ll be fantastic and all I need to do is put in a ridiculous amount of work now.

A splash of self-loathing.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 10, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’m feeling lost. That’s really an understatement. It’s more like I’m permanently lost, like I’ve never managed to figure out what I needed to do or what was going on. I know what I want to do. I guess that’s a thing. I just seem to be having trouble taking the next step toward making it a reality.
I know what I need to do. I know I need to take chances and put myself out there, but then I get into this nice, safe routine and it’s all I can do get out of it. I hate myself sometimes. I do. I need to get over this hurdle, over this random little bump in the road toward what I want out of life because I know if I can get my shit together, then the rest of what I want will fall into place.
I just need to get my shit together. Which is a lot easier to say than to do, but only because of the self-loathing it generates. Because really, why haven’t I managed to get where I want to be by now? That’s the question I need to answer. Once I find one, then I can move on with things and get to the fun part of life that I’ve really wanted to experience instead of the mundane bullshit that I seem to be stuck with.