Archive for August, 2013

Internal Reflection

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’m scared of lots of things. Absolutely terrified. Having two shadows. Angel statues. Being alone for too long and the creeping sort of ego that seeps from the fibers of my very existence and makes me believe that I am in fact a god. All of those, but I think the thing that scares me the most is that I might fall flat on my face if I try to pursue a career doing the singular thing that I love more than anything else.

I have so many stories, some written, some in the process, some just notes stuck to my wall on bright colored paper or marked as a title on my dry erase board. So many things to kick out there, to share, and I’m scared to do it. I suppose the first step to getting over the fear is admitting to it. That bit’s done then. The next is putting things out there. Finding markets, finding interest, groping in the dark until I find my place among the storytellers of my generation. After that, it all becomes cake.

I can overcome my fear. I need to because I am so very tired of working a job I hate, of having to find time to write, or coming up with ideas at “inopportune” times. I’m tired of having a boss with not concept of grammar or proper usage. It makes me cringe every time I read something with horrible sentence structure. All I can think is “Anyone with a rudimentary grasp in the English language can’t possibly take you seriously.” And that sort of makes me feel like an ass.

Then the ego takes over.

It goes to dark places. And, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy them because I do. I don’t mind the fact that the only thing stopping me from doing some of the things that pop into my head is the list of rules I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

I am happy and peppy and wonderfully psychotic because it keeps the darkness at bay. I’m eccentric and loud and excitable for the same reasons The Doctor is. Because all that is better than the alternative, for me and for everyone around me.

But, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to do the things I want to do, to get what I want from life instead of being stuck in this oddly painful rut all because of some horrible sense of duty. It is what it is. I am who I am, and I can only be pushed so far before I reach the breaking point.

And when that happens, it’s a good thing I have so many rules.

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Starting the job search before I go insane. (Or more insane…)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 27, 2013 by generatedanomaly

The knitting is going well. I think I’ve got it down, but I might want another fifty or sixty rows to make sure.

Today has a different sort of challenge going on. I’m working in job applications. I hate looking for a job, but I’ve reached a point where I dread going to work and there is a huge sigh of relief when I leave for the day. My shoulders get tight. More often than not, I have a headache from the stress. So, it’s past time for a new job.

The problem is finding one that’s close to home that I’m not considered beyond qualified for. Stupid Master’s degree anyway… Not that I regret that I have it, just that it makes it harder for me to find a job. Though, I would think that the fact it’s in education might make it easier for me to find one. Everyone knows that the education field is inundated.

I think really, I’m just tired of cleaning up other people’s messes. Not that it won’t happen other places, but if I’m starting at the bottom, it’s less likely to be a thing right off. And maybe, just maybe, I can find a job that I don’t mind or even like and that will reduce my stress and let me get more writing done. Which is really the entire goal of my existence.

I have a new hobby.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 23, 2013 by generatedanomaly

I’ve realized I can’t be writing all the time. I try, but sometimes the brain just sort of gets awkward and doesn’t want to cooperate. It happens. And I don’t always want to play video games… They’re awesome, but yeah. So, to the end of entertaining myself, I’ve decided to take up knitting.

I thought about it before. Partly because it seems like a thing, and the rest because I want to knit myself a replica of the fourth Doctor’s scarf. I had a dream that I wore it to work the other day and it sort of spurred me on.

Today, I bought my knitting needles and some deep purple yarn to practice with. I’ve already made decent progress in just a couple of hours. I’m feeling pretty good about that and what the future will hold.

I’ve also been thinking about making jewelry. That has a bit more of a start up cost, but I’ll get where I want to be eventually with the crafting and the writing and all the little bits of life that are strung out there for the world to see.